HALLOWEEN AND THE BAD DONKEY

DATE: OCTOBER 21, 1999

Bean (sis) emailed me a mighty fine story:

A Halloween Story By The Bad Donkey (A.K.A. Bean)

"Once, on Halloween, me and my frend, went trigger-treating. It was super funny, because we were OLD. I mean OLD. Not kids anymore so it was super funny because the people thought we were kids, but we werent, we were OLD.

"Then, we stole some candy from the other kids, and took pumpkins, and then we went and broke a window in my dad's car. He didn't care because he was dead. It was super funny."

My email back to Bean (which may not make sense to the casual reader but does to Bean):

BEAN!

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Arnie (my bro) can verify that fact as I was at his house cleaning today when I got your email and read it.

Today I have been cleaning Arnie's house o' grot in exchange for some sweet $$$. Whilst doing mountains of dishes, I happened to look out the back window and saw a stink-rich puppy playing and playing and capering and capering. I thought to myself: hmmm, that's JUST what Arnie needs to cheer him up....a PUPPY!!!!!

I went out back, caught the creature and brought him in to Arnie!!!6!zz!!4r! The WEIRD thing is that it didn't make him happy. (???) He just stared and stared at the puppy and didn't smile. His brow furrowed and he grunted very unpleasingly.

So I had to take the poor puppy back outside and Mr. McDhui took out his gun (at least that's what Geordie said) and SHOT Thomasina! But it's OK, cuz now she lives with the witch in the glen, so the girl won't die when she gits the fever.

Speaking of Arnie, he & I went into those freaky apartments beneath the Dixie Theater. They (you know: The Man) are mucking-out and remodeling the building (The Man being Old Man Clemmons who Arnie knows).

Guess what we discovered! That dead cat is still in there!

They've hauled out a lot of rubbish and some cool old furniture. There wasn't just the one apartment down there that you'd broken into---there were other underground rooms / apartments as well.

Clemmons also bought the decrepit store next door and discovered more apartment space under it too. Not to mention another dressing room was found beneath the stage in the theater, which was occupied by a nasty old mattress.

All that underground junk will be converted into new dressing rooms for the theater. Speaking of the old movie theater, they're going to turn it into an actual-factual, honest-to-goodness play-actin' theater some day in the far flung future. The far Flung Future is pretty exciting, eh?

Next, above the theater (overlooking the street) there were about two old apartments. Now they've ripped down the walls separating them, so it's one big room. The space is a lovely shape with lots of windows. Apparently, once it's jazzed up and looking fine, they're going to hold receptions or conferences up there.

Wossname Lee is going to have his guitar gallery in the lobby area. I'm always happy when they improve or remodel nifty places. With all the ugly biz out there, we need it.

Cool, eh?

Gotta run---"cause when they dug her up, she was only wearing a slip."

COWBOY POP

DATE: OCTOBER 19, 1999

Pop's giving a tour today up in Zion. He walks over to me in silent fanfare and says, "Do I look like a tour guide?" He then turns around for my inspection.

I say, "Yeah."

Then his lips curl up and he starts slouching in a manly way with legs apart then snarls enthusiastically, while pointing: "I'uz barn right under thet rock!" (all the while jabbing a finger toward the alleged rock.)

If he keeps it up I'm sure the tips will come a'rollin' in.

FALL!

DATE: OCTOBER 17, 1999

Autumn is here, and it is oh soooo stunning.

You go outside here in the desert and if you can find a tree handy, there just might be some dead, curled-up, dried green leaves under it where they fell from the tree. It's right purdy.
Also, we've got lots of nice, nice wind here, pushing some of the old trees over to block roads or break windshields. Trash blows everywhere and billboards lose bits of their bills and bits of their boards and everyone smiles because it's all a part of the beauty of Fall.

The most indicative sign of fall is that all of the bugs and insects here are migrating from the increasingly chilly outdoors into the warmer, cozier indoors. So you know Fall is near when you wake up in the morning with a cockroach crawling on your face like I did this very morning!

How exciting!!!!! Fall is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(This poster wishes to express that she actually loves Fall but was in the throes of bitterness from waking up with a ginormous cockroach on her face.)

FROM THE DESK OF MS. NILHAUSER

DATE: OCTOBER 15, 1999

To Whom it May Concern:

It distresses me exceedingly that the End of the World is drawing nigh and I have found that your GLUE, which I purchased only last week, will not adhere to metal surfaces! This is especially distressing to me as NO MENTION is made of that fact on the container, which reads, and I quote: “Bonds to most porous, semi-porous materials…”

As you can see, no mention is made of metal surfaces!!!! I was One Very Disgruntled Customer as application after application FAILED to glue my braces back onto my teeth.

Which brings up another point: no mention is made that this “glue” would also not adhere to tooth enamel. You must think I'm stupid! And I find your usage of the words "porous" and "semi-porous" somewhat confusing. What exactly are you getting at? I'm pretty sure I might know what those words mean---I'll have you know that I myself took a vocabulary class at Dixie College and did NOT fail!

In the meantime I am faced with the prospect of the End of the World coming and still having these crooked teeth.

Now, how will THAT make me look to the Generations to Come? I (and I assume would most people) would like to look my absolute best.

After all, the End of the World will be a moment that will go down in History!

Signed,
Ms. Elspeth Nilhauser

CROSS WORDS

DATE: OCTOBER 13, 1999

Dar (my pop) is a crazy, crazy old man. Everyday he filches and HIDES the newspaper's daily crossword puzzle, like a miser. He'll sock it away and later take it out and pore over it for hours.

This morning, I went into his room to romp about. He was stretched out on his bed, reading the paper and trying to look casual. With all my cavorting, I suddenly felt a crackly something under his blanket. I slipped my hand in and sure enough, it was the crossword puzzle. No sooner had I reached in, then Dar SCREAMED. I didn't even have time to pull my hand out---he started swatting at me insanely.

He threw his entire body on top of my hand and started pinching me very fiercely. He grabbed my leg and tried to wrench it out of its socket. All this time I'm hollering like a banshee, but not letting go of the puzzle because it's obviously worth its weight in gold.

In the end, he blackmailed me to release it, saying he wouldn't help me rip up my carpet if I didn't let go. So I let go. Free labor is hard to come by. Geez, I wouldn't have even THOUGHT about---or wanted---the grotty crossword if he didn't make such a production out of it.

Now he's wandering about the house with the munched-up crossword tucked safely under his arm.

I made Kate's (my sis) famous chicken wraps for dinner, and they turned out reeeeall good, ma'am. I didn't really flatten the chicken, as such (like the recipe calls for), but ended up pulverizing it with our marble rolling pin. I'm very impatient when it comes to any fine cooking and all the rigamarole it requires.

But they tasted great in the end and all who partook were very happy that they weren't the ones who had to make din-din.

I also made a yummy apple crisp. And normally, I do NOT like cooked apples---the SLIME! But I made the crisp with Ida Red apples (the BEST, not too slimy) from New Harmony and we ate it with vanilla ice cream.

I must go---I have to tear carpet up and administer to other various acts of destruction.

I AM A BANSHEE

DATE: AUGUST 31, 1998

I am a banshee, as evidenced by my howl: Waaaaaaaaaahhoooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo.

I should be on "Darby O'Gill and the Little People". I would comb and comb my ghostly hair and I would scream at that old man and then I'd go to the catering tent and get a sandwich.

I AM A NO-GOOD PARTY-POOPER

DATE: JULY 22, 1998

Last night I suspect that Jujie (baby sis) must've eaten a bowl of sugar--she was absolutely hyper. She kept saying, "Let's play a game, let's play a game...let's PLAY a game, GAME GAME, lessplayagamegameGAME!!!" Over and over and OVER.

So I said, "OK, let's play The QUIET Game." She lasted about a minute and a half at that before she started screaming again.

So I said, "Let's play Sitting In the Rocking Chair." (I was in it already.)

"There isn't any room for me!"

"Weeell, I guess YOU can't play then."

"WA-ahhhhhh!"

"Then let's play 'Well Begun is Half Done'."

"Hrumph!"

This all took place at about 10:30pm. That girl must have followed up her bowl of sugar with a sugar cube chaser, because her hyperness was only increasing the later it got. Even hyper, she is cute, so I caved and told her I'd be her game-stooge.

We ended up in parents' room where Lols (mom) was relaxing on her bed. Here, Jujie told me we were going to play the funnest sleepover party games ever! Hoo-boy. I loves me the sleepover party games.

She told me to lie down on the floor. "Ok," I said, "but I don't want this to be one of those things where you fall on me, or even pretend to fall on me. And I don't want to get wet."

She started her game (verbatim follows): "There are tall trees everywhere, and the man swings the ax--" She started swinging her arms around violently. "--at the tree, chop chop chop. But the ax MISSES the tree, and gets the owner!"

She jabbered on and on, becoming completely incoherent.

"So, swing swing swing and it gets the MAN!" At this point, despite of my earlier protest, she came crashing down on top of me. Whump! I'm not as young as I once was and I'm sure she broke my hip. Fun game!

I bloody well knew she was going to fall on me. And SHE knew that I knew it but did it anyway.

Next she told me she's got another fun game and that I was to stay on the floor. "Please don't jump on poor ol' me this time," I said.

This game went a little something like: "Pocahontas is out in the forest. She goes to the stream---" She followed with a VERY long, incoherent saga involving Pocahontas. "---And THEN, an arrow shoots! And it gets Pocahontas!!!! AAAARGH!" She SCREAMED, and then---yes---once again she jumped on me. Now I've got a matched set of broken hips.

Final game: Jujie instructed me to go in the bathroom and not to come out until she was ready. When I was called back out, she had three chairs set up in a row, all of them completely covered with a blanket. Jujie had dragooned Lols into her twisted little-girl game world, because Lols was seated on the far left chair. Jujie sat on the far right chair, so the middle spot was mine.

"Sit down," she said, "we have to take your X-rays." I could see where this game was going. Sooner or later my chair was going to disappear, and I would fall---ha ha ha ha---onto the floor.

"OK, but I don't want to sit on a chair that isn't there," I said. I am such a party-pooper. But I sat down and Lols & Jujie took my X-rays--a process where Jujie manhandled me and made whooshing and clicking noises.

"Now," said Jujie, "Go BACK into the bathroom....."

"OK..."

When I was called me back out, Jujie said that they needed to take some more X-rays and for me to sit down again. Mom and Jujie were once again seated on the two outer chairs. The blanket was still stretched over all of the chairs and I could see plain as day that the middle chair was now missing from beneath its blanket cover.

Mom, this whole time, has been stifling giggles at Jujie's ingenuousness. Her eyes were watering and she looked like she was going to do herself some damage if she held it in much longer.

"Oh, look," I said flatly, "my chair is gone."

"Just SIT there!"

So I smacked the middle of the blanket with my foot, which resulted in Jujie becoming unbalanced and tumbling into the chair-hole.

"HEY!"

I had to laugh and laugh. Jujie went through all of this drama, knowing that I already knew the punchline. I guess this officially makes me an old fuddy-duddy---this and my broken hips.

In my defense Mom couldn't stop laughing either.

At the end of all of this time it was about 11:30pm. Time for some more sugar...