HALLOWEEN AND THE BAD DONKEY

DATE: OCTOBER 21, 1999

Bean (sis) emailed me a mighty fine story:

A Halloween Story By The Bad Donkey (A.K.A. Bean)

"Once, on Halloween, me and my frend, went trigger-treating. It was super funny, because we were OLD. I mean OLD. Not kids anymore so it was super funny because the people thought we were kids, but we werent, we were OLD.

"Then, we stole some candy from the other kids, and took pumpkins, and then we went and broke a window in my dad's car. He didn't care because he was dead. It was super funny."

My email back to Bean (which may not make sense to the casual reader but does to Bean):

BEAN!

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Arnie (my bro) can verify that fact as I was at his house cleaning today when I got your email and read it.

Today I have been cleaning Arnie's house o' grot in exchange for some sweet $$$. Whilst doing mountains of dishes, I happened to look out the back window and saw a stink-rich puppy playing and playing and capering and capering. I thought to myself: hmmm, that's JUST what Arnie needs to cheer him up....a PUPPY!!!!!

I went out back, caught the creature and brought him in to Arnie!!!6!zz!!4r! The WEIRD thing is that it didn't make him happy. (???) He just stared and stared at the puppy and didn't smile. His brow furrowed and he grunted very unpleasingly.

So I had to take the poor puppy back outside and Mr. McDhui took out his gun (at least that's what Geordie said) and SHOT Thomasina! But it's OK, cuz now she lives with the witch in the glen, so the girl won't die when she gits the fever.

Speaking of Arnie, he & I went into those freaky apartments beneath the Dixie Theater. They (you know: The Man) are mucking-out and remodeling the building (The Man being Old Man Clemmons who Arnie knows).

Guess what we discovered! That dead cat is still in there!

They've hauled out a lot of rubbish and some cool old furniture. There wasn't just the one apartment down there that you'd broken into---there were other underground rooms / apartments as well.

Clemmons also bought the decrepit store next door and discovered more apartment space under it too. Not to mention another dressing room was found beneath the stage in the theater, which was occupied by a nasty old mattress.

All that underground junk will be converted into new dressing rooms for the theater. Speaking of the old movie theater, they're going to turn it into an actual-factual, honest-to-goodness play-actin' theater some day in the far flung future. The far Flung Future is pretty exciting, eh?

Next, above the theater (overlooking the street) there were about two old apartments. Now they've ripped down the walls separating them, so it's one big room. The space is a lovely shape with lots of windows. Apparently, once it's jazzed up and looking fine, they're going to hold receptions or conferences up there.

Wossname Lee is going to have his guitar gallery in the lobby area. I'm always happy when they improve or remodel nifty places. With all the ugly biz out there, we need it.

Cool, eh?

Gotta run---"cause when they dug her up, she was only wearing a slip."

COWBOY POP

DATE: OCTOBER 19, 1999

Pop's giving a tour today up in Zion. He walks over to me in silent fanfare and says, "Do I look like a tour guide?" He then turns around for my inspection.

I say, "Yeah."

Then his lips curl up and he starts slouching in a manly way with legs apart then snarls enthusiastically, while pointing: "I'uz barn right under thet rock!" (all the while jabbing a finger toward the alleged rock.)

If he keeps it up I'm sure the tips will come a'rollin' in.

FALL!

DATE: OCTOBER 17, 1999

Autumn is here, and it is oh soooo stunning.

You go outside here in the desert and if you can find a tree handy, there just might be some dead, curled-up, dried green leaves under it where they fell from the tree. It's right purdy.
Also, we've got lots of nice, nice wind here, pushing some of the old trees over to block roads or break windshields. Trash blows everywhere and billboards lose bits of their bills and bits of their boards and everyone smiles because it's all a part of the beauty of Fall.

The most indicative sign of fall is that all of the bugs and insects here are migrating from the increasingly chilly outdoors into the warmer, cozier indoors. So you know Fall is near when you wake up in the morning with a cockroach crawling on your face like I did this very morning!

How exciting!!!!! Fall is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(This poster wishes to express that she actually loves Fall but was in the throes of bitterness from waking up with a ginormous cockroach on her face.)

FROM THE DESK OF MS. NILHAUSER

DATE: OCTOBER 15, 1999

To Whom it May Concern:

It distresses me exceedingly that the End of the World is drawing nigh and I have found that your GLUE, which I purchased only last week, will not adhere to metal surfaces! This is especially distressing to me as NO MENTION is made of that fact on the container, which reads, and I quote: “Bonds to most porous, semi-porous materials…”

As you can see, no mention is made of metal surfaces!!!! I was One Very Disgruntled Customer as application after application FAILED to glue my braces back onto my teeth.

Which brings up another point: no mention is made that this “glue” would also not adhere to tooth enamel. You must think I'm stupid! And I find your usage of the words "porous" and "semi-porous" somewhat confusing. What exactly are you getting at? I'm pretty sure I might know what those words mean---I'll have you know that I myself took a vocabulary class at Dixie College and did NOT fail!

In the meantime I am faced with the prospect of the End of the World coming and still having these crooked teeth.

Now, how will THAT make me look to the Generations to Come? I (and I assume would most people) would like to look my absolute best.

After all, the End of the World will be a moment that will go down in History!

Signed,
Ms. Elspeth Nilhauser

CROSS WORDS

DATE: OCTOBER 13, 1999

Dar (my pop) is a crazy, crazy old man. Everyday he filches and HIDES the newspaper's daily crossword puzzle, like a miser. He'll sock it away and later take it out and pore over it for hours.

This morning, I went into his room to romp about. He was stretched out on his bed, reading the paper and trying to look casual. With all my cavorting, I suddenly felt a crackly something under his blanket. I slipped my hand in and sure enough, it was the crossword puzzle. No sooner had I reached in, then Dar SCREAMED. I didn't even have time to pull my hand out---he started swatting at me insanely.

He threw his entire body on top of my hand and started pinching me very fiercely. He grabbed my leg and tried to wrench it out of its socket. All this time I'm hollering like a banshee, but not letting go of the puzzle because it's obviously worth its weight in gold.

In the end, he blackmailed me to release it, saying he wouldn't help me rip up my carpet if I didn't let go. So I let go. Free labor is hard to come by. Geez, I wouldn't have even THOUGHT about---or wanted---the grotty crossword if he didn't make such a production out of it.

Now he's wandering about the house with the munched-up crossword tucked safely under his arm.

I made Kate's (my sis) famous chicken wraps for dinner, and they turned out reeeeall good, ma'am. I didn't really flatten the chicken, as such (like the recipe calls for), but ended up pulverizing it with our marble rolling pin. I'm very impatient when it comes to any fine cooking and all the rigamarole it requires.

But they tasted great in the end and all who partook were very happy that they weren't the ones who had to make din-din.

I also made a yummy apple crisp. And normally, I do NOT like cooked apples---the SLIME! But I made the crisp with Ida Red apples (the BEST, not too slimy) from New Harmony and we ate it with vanilla ice cream.

I must go---I have to tear carpet up and administer to other various acts of destruction.